okay.  so i’m the worst.

i just posted seventeen and eighteen here.  they’ve been up on jbf for days.  i’m sorry!

i really just got totally sucked into the insanity around me lately.  i had a week straight of houseguests.  and even though one of them was my beta–and we did talk a LOT about the story–writing and editing was far from my mind.  and then i kind of got a little rusty.  or, well.  not rusty.  i’ve just been feeling really scattered lately, having a hard time focusing.  so focusing on turning out difficult elements in a chapter has been tough.

but the ideas are flowing.  i know what i need to do.

and frankly, its all good anyway, because my beta hasn’t read past twenty.  and she’s totally swamped with school right now (since she took so much time to come see me) so she can’t even think about looking at new chapters until november, she tells me.  so i can’t post past twenty until we get into november.  which is cool.

oh life.  how you are insane.

i’m hoping and praying after this week of semi-insanity (new kids on the block last night, two brothers blonde shows later in the week) and then, even moreso, after the election is over, that i will be able to get back to focusing on my writing.

for now.  i’m off to make an attempt at the beginning of twenty-four (the end of it’s already written).  for now, i am content with the memory of nearly grabbing jtaylor’s ass in times square, and the badass photograph that proves it.

xo.

<3l.

sixteen, posted.  yay.  love this chapter.

seriously.  it involves one of my favorite scenes i’ve written so far i think.

anyway.  weekend of insanity is upon me.  houseguests one and two are here.  out of town friends three and four come tonight and tomorrow respectively.  parties and theater and concerts to come.  so excite.

i will do my best to update, since my beta is here, but i’m not sure what things are going to shape up like.

in any case.  enjoy sixteen.  i’ve written through twenty-three and started twenty-four, so we’re still rolling forward.  and although its definitely still hard work to keep things in check, and moving in the right direction, i’m actually having a lot of fun with joe and aisling right now.  its exciting.

xo.

<3l.

fifteen is up.

i managed to fly through twenty-two (and it might actually be super hot) and realized that i need to go back and add another scene to twenty-one.  which is okay, because i’m already about 90% done with twenty-three.  i’ve been having so much fun writing certain types of scenes that i’ve been neglecting the fact that i really need to be mixing it up a bit more, building things out around the center.

but yeah.  writing has been fun for the past few days.  i’ve been enjoying this story a lot.  and my mind has been constantly casting about for one-shot ideas for some reason too.  i think that’s because i’m in the mood to write some kevin.

speaking of fun.  this weekend is going to be pure insanity in my life.  i have about four friends coming in from out of town at various points in the weekend (only two of whom are staying with me).  i have some birthday parties, some commitments to get to the theater (spring awakening at the least, possibly equus too), and ZOMG the brothers blonde.  the nokia theater.  monday.  i’m so excited i can hardly stand it.

also.  one of my lovely houseguests is my fabulous beta reader (and former college roommate), who will be down visiting from toronto.  and i’m obviously going to force her to read the stuff she hasn’t seen yet.  and talk about it with me until her head explodes.  i miss this.  she’s been my beta reader for like, six years now (omg i am old) and i am so excited to have her around for this beta session, just like it used to be back in the day.

for now i’m off.

oh.  also.  just to let you guys know, chapter sixteen is completely badass.  and it might be my favorite chapter of the story so far.  so.  get excited.

xo.

<3l.

chapter fourteen, posted.  woosh.

i made a promise to myself i’d work on mapping out the rest of the story and get chapter twenty-one written before i posted fourteen.  silly me.  thinking that would be easy.  thinking that because chapter twenty was so easy, twenty-one would play nice too.  haha.  not so much.

however, i did write what will probably become twenty-three (before i even got to twenty-one) and mapped out at least the next five chapters as well as a timeline for actual, literal ending.  so, at least i have the milestones mapped out along the way.  i mean.  i should cut myself some slack.  writing well is not easy.  and i’m not going to bother with any of it if i don’t believe in it.  if i don’t think its good.

that is, by the way, why i do not disclaim my stuff.  because i work on it very hard.  because by the time its ready to post its been edited on at least three separate occasions.  and it has been beta edited.  because i know what it is and why it is there and that is why it exists, why it is being posted.  so i won’t apologize for taking my time with characterization, for ‘filler,’ for the lack of dramatic events in each chapter (because really, whose life is a series of dramatic events?  whose life isn’t mostly quiet?), for each chapter being a small piece of a larger work and sometimes acting that way.

for now i am off to listen to james taylor ‘live’ and work on chapter twenty-two.  because i am far too wired to go to bed right now, even if i have work in the morning.

xo.

<3l.

thirteen, posted.

please, before you read thirteen, take a look at the authors note posted immediately below this entry.  i want you to understand a few things about this story before you read on.  i’m not trying to ruin anything, or give things away.  but i also don’t want to get into world war two over content and my intentions.

anyway.  i’m still working on mapping out the rest of every word i say.  i’ve written the first half or so, and achieved the first goal of the story.  now i need to write it on home.  i need to figure out how i’m going to realisitically get this thing to its climax.  its an exciting challenege.  and fun little snippets are coming to me, here and there, which i’m enjoying.

so.  go on, read thirteen.  let me know what you think.  i think we’re finally getting to the heart of the story.

xo.

<3l.

Authors Note

So. My lovely readers. You’ve stuck around for twelve chapters (that’s about 20,630 words, in case you were wondering). Frankly, I’m completely flattered. I’ve taken my time in developing these characters, in developing the story between them and around them and I’m just really glad you’ve stuck with me this long. I know the story hasn’t been action packed so far. And although I’m not quite sure this chapter is any sort of turning point, it is a point at which I feel the need to address you all directly about what is to come.

I don’t believe in disclaiming my work. In apologizing for what each chapter is or is not. So this is in no way an apology for what has passed, or what is yet to be posted, yet to be written.

What it is, then, is a warning. Because I am not here to offend people or be inflammatory. But I’m also not here to fight about my work. So I am offering note this now, before you read on. So that you know.

The story that follows, especially over the course of the next seven or so chapters, deals with a lot of heavy, real life issues. Sex, politics, sexuality, faith and religion are all fair game. I am not interested in a simple love story. In boy meets girl, they have two dates, two days later he tells her he loves her then she gets on the tour bus with him and rides off into the sunset and almost happily ever after. That is not how real life works. Not where I come from. That is fantasy. And that is wonderful, especially when it is well written. But that is not interesting to me as a writer any longer.

This, Every Word I Say, is the story I am interested in telling. And I am interested in making it as real, as true to life as possible. As true to the real, everyday lives of these characters. So there are going to be issues in the story, and in the next few chapters especially, that challenge my characters. And they will challenge you as readers.

I am not here to preach. Not for either side. I am not here to judge my characters. And although as readers you are certainly welcome to judge the characters for yourself, I would appreciate it if you do not judge me for writing them. For exploring their differences, their challenges, their paths to each other.

To me, Every Word I Say has been, from the beginning, an exercise in telling a story about love between two people who come from very different backgrounds and have very different points of view on life. You will see that in the next chapters. Please, explore that with Joe and Aisling. Give them room to stretch and grow, you never know how it might reward you. Or them.

I’ll leave you with the lyrics to the song from which the title of this story was taken. I think they say a great deal of what this story is, at its heart, all about. What I have always imagined this story to be.

Always,

Luca.

Every Word I Say
(I. Hanson, T. Hanson, Z. Hanson)

You feel like liberation
You give me new sensation
You show me what I need and
You are my life completed

Can’t stop, can’t break, who’s driving?
Sometimes there’s no denying
Today I feel I can’t lose
I’m letting go of what I knew

I want you for always
I hear you name in every word I say
I’m a fool and I don’t care
I hear your name in every word I say

Before you I was only
What I let it control me
You are the revolution
Against my own conclusions
Today I feel I can’t lose
I’m letting go of what I knew

I want you for always
I hear your name in every word I say
I’m a fool and I don’t care
I hear your name in every word I say

Ohh, no no no no no no no
Ohh, no no no no no no no
Ohh, no no no no no no no
Ohh, no no no no no no no

And now I say to goodbye
To the way I used to be
There is no room for question
It’s your name that sets me free and
You stuck these troubles on me
These days are creeping in
Let go of the world around me
‘Cause your love is all I need

I want you for always
I hear your name in every word I say
I’m a fool and I don’t care
I hear your name in every word I say

I want you for always
I hear your name in every word I say
I’m a fool and I don’t care
I hear your name in every word I say

Ohh, no no no no no no no
Ohh, no no no no no
Ohh, no no no no no no no

I hear your name in every word I say
I hear your name in every word I say
I hear your name in every word I say
I hear your name
Well all I hear is your name
No no no no no
No no no no no
Said all I hear is your name
Said all I hear is your name
And no I can’t take it away

twelve, posted.

every word i say is rolling.  i kept my poor beta on the phone until nearly 3am this morning picking her brain ad nauseum about chapters twelve through twenty.  seriously, i think she’s bleeding out the ears at this point.  but i feel so much better about everthing.  i’d just…gotten so bogged down in it.  i’d read it so many times, tweaked it so many times…i wasn’t sure it had any emotional weight anymore.  any more impact, heat, value.  there was so much to be said.  so much between joe and aisling.

i was so glad to hear her thoughts.  to make some changes.  to know whether or not i was achieving what i’d set out to do.

its about to get heavy, folks.  and i’ll post more on that later.  but.  we’re into the thick of it now.

enjoy twelve.  now that everything has been beta’d, i’m hoping to post a bit more rapidly in the next week or so.

for now, its back to work.  then tonight its on to outlining the second half(ish) of the story so i can get to writing chapters twentyone and beyond.

xo.

<3l.

omg.  october twentieth, nokia theater times square.  its going to be a reunion of epic proportions.  hf is flying in from puerto rico and kb is flying in from toronto.  lm & i have our tickets too.  those boys.  i love them more than i should.  but then, when they have the power to do this, to bring us all together again, is it any wonder that i do?

anyway.  chapter eleven is posted.

this morining, between the hours of one and three am i had a major break through.  i finished chapter nineteen.  the chapter is insanely long, literally twice as long as the longest chater thus far.  and i’m not sure if it will stay that way, or if i’ll have to edit it back or split it up, or what.  but i finished it.  and i got things to where they needed to be.  and i think it happened in, mostly, the right way.  and i’m so freaking stoked.

which is why eleven is up earlier than expected.  because i finished ninteen and got halfway through chapter twenty.

stoked!

so.  go enjoy eleven.  let me know what you think.  and get excited for what’s to come!

xo.

<3l.

another space cadet move by luca.

shoulda posted ten last night when i put it up on jbf. but in my defense, i was rushing to post before gossip girl began, so, i barely had time to get that up let alone coming over here and putting things together.  i mean.  gossip girl trumps life.  so.  clearly it also trumps posting my fanfic.

sigh.  that penn badgley.  i almost don’t even care about his crazy internet past he’s so cute and nerdy.

anyway.  ten is up.

i’m working on nineteen.  the series of chapters starting with, like, sixteen is kind of intense.  its all important and i just really, really do not want to fuck it up.  so its stressing me out.  and they’re taking longer than i expected.  i mean, considering they are most of the reason i decided to write this story, they’re shockingly slow in coming along.  but its all cool.  i just want them to be right.  to do justice to what i believe about joe and aisling.  and hopefully, i’ll get them there.

enough of my rambling/whining.

go read!

xo.

<3l.

nine, posted.

i’m in the thick of seventeen.  and its giving me hell.  but that’s okay.  seventeen is part of a group of like…four of five really important chapters, so its worth the effort to get it right.

btw.  i’m still working on something top secret.  such a bad girl, i am.

for now this bad girl is going to go have a glass of wine, make some dinner, and park in front of ugly betty/greys.  yay for the new season of television (even though i know i’ll have stopped remembering to watch about two weeks from now).

xo.

<3l.