untitled

Sitting in the back of a taxi, he knew he ought to be steeling himself for what was to come. The thirteen missed phone calls—each resulting in an increasingly shrill voicemail—and twenty terse text messages he’d deleted after reading…they did not bode well for the way his family was going to react to his return. He’d been gone for no more than four hours and frankly, he thought their response was a bit over the top. He was an adult, he could handle a few hours on his own. Besides which, he hadn’t even missed anything, not an interview or a meeting or a photo-shoot, nothing.

But instead of preparing himself for what he knew would be a tense encounter, instead of coming up with some version of the past four hours’ events that he could share with his family, he sat and wistfully reflected on those hours. On the ease of the conversation, and the movement of her hair and the way he knew, deep down, that someday he would make Aisling his.

He wasn’t sure what it was. Couldn’t put a finger on it. But something told him that Aisling would give in to him. That persistence would pay off. That someday she would be more than just his friend. There was just a sense of certainty—deep in the pit of his stomach—that there was much more in store for them, much more somewhere past ‘friends.‘ He couldn’t be sure how he’d get there, just as he wasn’t sure how he’d finally broken through her shell. But, somehow, he knew that it would be simultaneously more simple and more difficult than anything he’d done in his life.

He watched as the hotel rose before him, all dark glass and mirrored reflections of the outside world. A symbol of his success and perhaps in some way, a tribute to it. It returned exactly what you gave it. Nothing more, nothing less. The bright lights under the canopy burned against the gold trim all day and it seemed the crowds of girls never left. He was tempted to ask the driver to continue past the hotel, to drive a circle back to Aisling’s apartment. Or to take him straight to Jones Beach. He wanted nothing more than to bypass the spectacle.

He said nothing as he ran past the crowd with smiles and waves. He did not stop to shake hands to sign autographs. His watch read 1:45 and he knew his family would be in the lobby, gathering for the trip. He knew he had to catch, to face them inside before it was too late. He could not face them on the steps of the Trump International Tower and Hotel.

“Joseph Adam Jonas,” his father’s voice rose with an uncharacteristic timbre. “Where have you been?”

It was a simple question. And yet, the answer caught in his throat. He knew, in that instant, that he could not tell the truth. Not even part of the truth. He remembered Nick’s dismissal at the listening party, the way Kevin rolled his eyes during the meetings. He remembered the lectures about dating that his mother and father gave all the time, about who and what and where and when was appropriate. He’d broken every rule ever set. Suddenly honesty seemed like a much bigger risk than it had when he’d felt her palm against his.

“Nowhere,” he said, leaving his sunglasses over his eyes.

“Don’t lie to me, young man.”

“I’m not lying to you. I didn’t go anywhere.”

“So, for four hours, you were ‘nowhere.’” His father spat the words at him, coming closer. He stepped backward. “Do not make me make a scene in the hotel lobby, Joseph, I want the truth and I want it now.”

“I was in the park. I was just walking around. I didn’t do—“

“For four hours, you were walking around the park aimlessly?”

“Yes.”

“Suspending my disbelief for just a moment, I will move on from that statement. Because wherever you were, we have bigger problems at hand. Like the fact that you didn’t think it was important to give us a call and let us know what you were doing. Or the fact that you ignored more than TWENTY phone calls and messages,”

“Dad, I just needed some time to myself…”

“Don’t you give me this ‘I needed time alone’ bullshit as an excuse, Joseph, I don’t care if you needed time alone. You have responsibilities to the people around you. Least of all because you are in a band that has a concert tonight. WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS GOING ON. YOU DIDN’T EVEN TAKE SECURITY, FOR ALL WE KNEW—”

His mother pulled his father off, sharing an expressive look before pushing him in the other direction and stepping in front of his father’s retreating form.

“Joe, sweetheart, you can’t just take off like that, and you know it.”

“I know, Mom, I—”

“We were all incredibly worried about you, especially since you weren’t answering our calls. We didn’t even know what to do…if you hadn’t come back just then, we probably would have had to call the police, and you know how long that would have stayed quiet.”

“About five minutes…”

He wanted to avoid saying anything of value; he didn’t want to give them ammunition. They clearly weren’t interested in what he really had to say anyway. He couldn’t finish a sentence without getting cut off.

“Where did you go?”

“I already told Dad, I didn’t go anywhere. I was just walking around the park.”

“Joseph, you cannot possibly think we’d buy that story.”

“It’s the truth—“

“You’re full of it,” he heard Nick’s voice, even and angry, rise from behind his mother.

“Don’t be an ass, Joe; we know that’s a lie. Do we look like we’re retarded?!” Kevin chimed in. His mother turned to look at her other sons.

“I don’t need your help, boys. Please go get on the bus with your father. …And Kevin, how many times do I have to tell you that it is completely inappropriate for you to use that kind of language, before you actually stop using it?” She turned back around to face him, and he knew what was about to come. “I know you are lying to me, Joseph, and I’m beyond the point of anger. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in you for your conduct today—for taking off like that, for ignoring our calls and messages, for ignoring the way your actions affect the people around you. Your father and I raised you better than that. But I’m even more disappointed in the way you’re handling this situation right now. You may be an adult, but you are behaving like a petulant child, and your father and I will not tolerate this kind of behavior in this family. There is too much going on around here for any one of us to act as selfishly as you have today.”

His mother simply walked away. He stared for a moment at her back as she made her way toward the doors, Frankie trotting off after her. Guilt settled into his stomach like a lead balloon, just as his mother had known it would. She knew him too well. And she was absolutely correct. He was wrong to have taken off. Wrong to have ignored all of their calls and messages. Wrong to have lied to them.

And yet, he would not change his behavior even if he could. Someone would have stopped him if he’d waited even a second longer before following Aisling out into the street. He would never have gotten through to her with a security team monitoring their conversation. And someone would have demanded his return if he’d answered even a single phone call or message. He would have lost time with Aisling, time he would never get back. And no one would have understood. No one would even have tried to understand why he needed to be near her. Why he suddenly needed to hear the sound of her voice like he needed Redbull to make it through his day.

And the fruits of his labor were worth a few lectures. A few guilt trips. Because the certainty that he would someday hold Aisling’s hand in his again, that was more than worth it.

***

“Dude, what is your problem?” It was Kevin, it was always Kevin.

He’d holed himself up in the back lounge as soon as he’d gotten on the bus, earbuds crammed into his ears and notebook in his lap. He didn’t want to be near anyone related to him. And he had some things he needed to get out of his mind and onto paper. He wanted solitude. Kevin and Nick seemed to have other ideas about the ride to Wantagh.

“I don’t have a problem,” he said, forcing himself to remain calm as he pulled the buds out of his ears. He knew if he got worked up the conflict would only escalate and he’d be prone to say the things he’d rather keep to himself.

“First, you disappear for FOUR HOURS without a phone call or a text message. And then when you finally decide to show up again, you LIE to us? You’re acting like an ass. I’d say you have a problem.”

“You’re right. I do have a problem. I’d like to be alone right now, and I’m stuck here, listening to the drone of your voice.”

“What is your deal?” Nick asked, a look of disgust clear on his face.

“What’s YOUR deal?” he replied.

“Look, man, we’re not the ones who took off today, so don’t act like we’re the jerks for wanting to know what’s going on.”

“I just needed some space, why is that such a big deal?”

“Maybe because we’re in a band together, and we have a show tonight, “ Nick began, his voice angry but level, “Maybe because you didn’t tell us where you were going or what you were doing or even take Rob along with you. Maybe because you didn’t have to spend four hours watching Mom try not to cry or dodge questions from Taylor on your whereabouts.”

Taylor. He’d completely forgotten about her. Aisling made him completely hazy.

“Look guys, I wasn’t trying to cause any problems. I just needed—“

“We got it. You needed some time, space, whatever. Because your life is so effing difficult.” Kevin’s eye roll was so violent it seemed his eyes might rupture their sockets.

He rose from his seat in a burst of frustration, iPod and notebook in one hand and fist forming in the other. It was tempting to punch Kevin in the face, but he knew it wasn’t worth it. He’d only end up getting grounded for his trouble. Instead he simply pushed past, wrenching the door open and slamming it closed behind him with as much force as he could muster. Without a word he threw his belongings into his bunk and climbed in after them, pulling the curtain closed defiantly.

Whipping out his phone, he composed a text message to Aisling.

—Have u ever really wanted to beat the crap out of ur bro? I mean for real and hurt him?

Face buried in a pillow, he awaited her reply, running his encounter with his brothers over and over inside his head, becoming increasingly angry.

—Are you kidding me? Up until he eclipsed 5’7, I actually DID beat the crap out of him. All the time. For real, there are scars.

He laughed to himself, feeling some of the anger dissipate in his chest. His phone signaled that another text had arrived.

—Are you all right?

—Im fine. Just tired of my bros. He replied.

—I don’t believe you. But I’ll leave it. Before you commit aggravated assault or, you know, felony manslaughter please call me so I can talk you down, okay?

Turning onto his back, he couldn’t help but smile. She made him feel better.